Okay I am more triggered than I thought I would be after what I just did.
I just emailed Project Unbreakable asking to be photographed. They’re a group that photographs people with a big sign showing a quote from their sexual abuser.
The particular abuser I singled out (I can remember five off the top of my head) never said a word to me in my life. So I am planning on using the following quote from someone I told:
[[ “ Oh my God, that is SO Sandeep!” -My special ed teacher, after I told her that when I was in an institution and became unable to move for an hour, her former student stuck his toes up my butt and wiggled them around, in front of a group of people who let it go on because they thought I couldn’t feel it. ]]
And yes. She was a mandated reporter she never reported it. She just thought it was funny. I was sexually assaulted on the bus twice going to that school. The same teacher told me that it was my fault for sitting with each boy that did it. As if they put signs on their faces saying “I’m going to grab your breasts” or “I’m going to masturbate on your foot.” She told me that for confidentiality reasons (THEIR confidentiality) I was not allowed to tell anyone what they did.
Fuck. I’m not crying but I probably would be if I were alone. (I sometimes freak out about crying in front of people.) I don’t normally think about these things, and they don’t normally affect me too badly, but for some reason they are right now. I’m even getting that creepy feeling on my butt that used to happen any time I thought of my brother or Sandeep or even anyone who looked like my brother. (My brother used to rub himself back there, through clothes. And (separately from that) threatened to rape me. And ever since both of them, which occurred during the same broad time period, I’ve been able to feel something back there whenever sufficiently reminded of what happened.
Yep I did forget another time. There was that staff person a few years ago. Why has this happened so many times that I can FORGET it? And feel CASUAL about it? WTF.