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3:18am May 10, 2014

dendriforming:

I have the background to know the basics of how Ativan/lorazepam works neurochemically.

I have no clue why I’m able to use it as a rescue med not just for anxiety, but also for executive function and certain movement stuff. I suspect it has something to do with the reasons it’s commonly prescribed for autistic catatonia, but I’m not sure? I don’t know why it’s effective in that context either. Either way, it’s so useful for me, and I’d love to know the science behind it.

It’s always been incredibly useful for me, too:

1.  For anxiety attacks, especially the kind I have whenever I’m hospitalized, they basically put me on Ativan every 4 hours for the duration of any hospitalization and the anxiety attacks miraculously vanish.  Without Ativan, I basically do fine the first day or two then get blindsided by such intense anxiety that it’s all I can do to keep breathing.  This would be bad enough as it is, but with adrenal insufficiency, avoiding unnecessary stress is life and death.

2.  It was the first thing discovered that actually worked on my seizures.  They of course didn’t fully know they were seizures.  My psych records are full of elaborate descriptions of what my friend says are absolutely what my complex-partial seizures look like.  Then they get worse on neuroleptics (which lower the seizure threshold) and better on lorazepam and nobody puts two and two together even as I’m being evaluated for temporal lobe epilepsy.  They still use it sometimes in my IV for seizures if I’m hospitalized and unable to use my feeding tube or (prior to feeding tube) unable to keep food down.

This makes me extra-pissy when I saw a video or a cartoon or something from the point of view of an ER nurse, where a patient says she has seizures that respond to lorazepam and the nurse says “but lorazepam isn’t a seizure med”.  It may not be a usual first-line treatment for seizures, but it does in fact treat seizures, much as many similar meds do.

3.  My parents always said it “grounded” me.  I assume this is because I was having a lot of seizures at the time, but it may also be about the autistic catatonia.

4.  It helps a little bit with my nerve pain, as I’ve been discovering this week.

5.  It works really well on me for nausea as well.  Which is a known thing that it does, even though most people aren’t aware of it.  

Right now I’m prescribed it for nausea and anxiety both (one dose at bedtime, then PRN the rest of the time).  But I also sometimes take it for really bad nerve pain, and it does help me stay in the rhythm of life physically and makes me feel “clear” with my body, i.e. treats the autistic catatonia, I suspect.  I don’t take it often, and when I do take it it’s often just at bedtime, but it works.

3:04am May 7, 2014

If I fall asleep now it will be amazing and wonderful and beautiful.

youneedacat:

Because I need sleep because nerve pain is awful.  And because a lot of my night meds like Benadryl are combined together right now this time of night and that’s not a bad thing when sleep-deprived and in pain.

So I hope for some rest, maybe even all night long.

And I did fall asleep.

And I woke up.

And the nerve pain is so much less it’s amazing.

I’ve still got some, but it’s nowhere near as bad.

For some reason, sleep deprivation and stress both have a severe effect on nerve pain for me.  And especially, stress related to language use seems to do it to me, and nerve pain seems to spur me on to get stuck in language in an attempt to numb myself, so that can turn into a vicious cycle.

There’s only a couple parts of me that still hurt a lot, and those are because I slept a long time with stuff pressed up against them — one of my arms, and my face because of my bipap mask.   But that still doesn’t hurt anywhere near as much as my whole body did yesterday.

Let’s hope it stays this way.  I hate nerve pain.  (Or central pain, or whatever-TF it is.)

8:14pm May 6, 2014

If I fall asleep now it will be amazing and wonderful and beautiful.

Because I need sleep because nerve pain is awful.  And because a lot of my night meds like Benadryl are combined together right now this time of night and that’s not a bad thing when sleep-deprived and in pain.

So I hope for some rest, maybe even all night long.

1:24pm May 6, 2014

Neuropathic pain sucks donkey balls.

It’s really bad today and anything that touches me hurts.  And it’s not just that anything touching me hurts.  It’s that anything that touches me leaves this burning tactile afterimage for at least half an hour after it touches me.  And that includes any part of my body touching any other part of my body, clothing, bedsheets, glasses, anything.  

I have no idea why it’s bad today.

3:51pm March 2, 2012
[Photo:  Fey perched on the back of a glossy brown reclining chair, viewed from behind. Fey is a grey cat with white tuxedo markings and a white stripe on her nose.  She is crouching with her head on the left turned away from the camera, and her tail curving down on the right.  It’s night so most of the rest of the picture was dim.]

Sleep made me feel a bit better. But the kind of pain involved reminded me of something that happened about ten years ago.  On this same recliner from the picture, probably a couple years before I took this photo. 

So this was before I had pain treatment. And the kind of pain I have (either nerve pain, central pain, or both) is nasty without treatment. 

Also understand that my cat doesn’t like it when you even drape an arm over her. Or anything like that.  You just cannot leave a body part on top of her without getting whapped or bit. 

So I was in enough pain — 8/10 going on 9/10 — that the world had long since faded to greyish white and I had no physical awareness of my surroundings and felt like I was in some kind of hell where time ground to a halt and pain came from every direction.  I was actually lying down in the reclining chair. 

And when I finally was aware of things again, my head was to the side and there was something soft under it.  So I took a look and Fey was letting me use her as a pillow.  She was also doing the same loud intense purr she uses when she herself is in a lot of pain.  

So all I can figure is she knew how bad it was and was doing the only thing she knew how to do to make me comfortable.  Even though it couldn’t have been comfortable for her.  She’s always been very in tune with my body, more than any human, so it’s in character. Still makes me cry though. It was really the nicest thing she could possibly do.

[Photo: Fey perched on the back of a glossy brown reclining chair, viewed from behind. Fey is a grey cat with white tuxedo markings and a white stripe on her nose. She is crouching with her head on the left turned away from the camera, and her tail curving down on the right. It’s night so most of the rest of the picture was dim.]

Sleep made me feel a bit better. But the kind of pain involved reminded me of something that happened about ten years ago. On this same recliner from the picture, probably a couple years before I took this photo.

So this was before I had pain treatment. And the kind of pain I have (either nerve pain, central pain, or both) is nasty without treatment.

Also understand that my cat doesn’t like it when you even drape an arm over her. Or anything like that. You just cannot leave a body part on top of her without getting whapped or bit.

So I was in enough pain — 8/10 going on 9/10 — that the world had long since faded to greyish white and I had no physical awareness of my surroundings and felt like I was in some kind of hell where time ground to a halt and pain came from every direction. I was actually lying down in the reclining chair.

And when I finally was aware of things again, my head was to the side and there was something soft under it. So I took a look and Fey was letting me use her as a pillow. She was also doing the same loud intense purr she uses when she herself is in a lot of pain.

So all I can figure is she knew how bad it was and was doing the only thing she knew how to do to make me comfortable. Even though it couldn’t have been comfortable for her. She’s always been very in tune with my body, more than any human, so it’s in character. Still makes me cry though. It was really the nicest thing she could possibly do.

1:46pm March 2, 2012

That kind of pain where you finally decide to go completely immobile. And it doesn’t feel like it helps. And yet moving is still awful. So you curl up in a ball and try to just silence your mind and wait it out.

1:39pm March 2, 2012

Ow ow ow ow ow fuck fuck fuck. Ow. Fuck. WTF. I just LOVE pain out of nowhere, sinking into EVERYwhere. Meh.

12:11pm March 2, 2012

There’s burning. Everywhere. And ice at the same time. And my body wants to do nothing but in 20 minutes people will be here for over an hour. Meh.